Monday, Monday

It's Monday and I am feeling very motivated this week to take care of myself by eating well and exercising every day!

I am going to try something new this week. I know that sugar is my biggest downfall but cutting it out completely just isn't realistic for me and leads to bingeing, which is NOT what I want. So, I am going to attempt to limit my sugary foods to 10-20% of my total calorie intake, which for me right now means anywhere from 150-300 calories max from sugary foods. I would like to keep it closer to the 150 mark, but I am giving myself some leeway on that. I'm hoping for a big loss this week to get me back on track with my goals.

Happy healthy eating!

A rough patch...

Well, I received word yesterday morning that my MIL passed into the next life after a 3 year battle with breast cancer. I'm not in a good place right now. I lost my own mother to cancer when I was just 14 years old, and watching my husband's mother go through this has just brought back way too many horribly difficult memories. Things that I would rather just forget. Pain that is much easier to bury by eating. That's really what I want to do right now, eat. I have a good excuse, but that's what got me here in the first place. I seem to be really great at finding excuses when the going gets tough.

I decided to update my weight this morning, as well. I have really and truly believed that the weight gain that came on so suddenly and won't come off was water retention from whatever weird thing is going on with my kidneys. I finished my second course of antibiotics last night, and yet the kidney pain is still present, and my weight is still way up. I am going to have to face the fact that my weight is up because of my lack of self-control and poor choices, plain and simple.

I'm not really sure what to do right now. I feel like I don't have much fight left in me. I'm very discouraged and I'm sorry to all those looking for motivation and inspiration.

I'm just not sure that I have any fight in me anymore, that's all. At least not right now.

Yesterday was a busy day of Scout stuff for my son and gymnastics for my daughter, all without my hubby who was with his family still, which is where he needed to be. Just hard to face everything right now.

I really should just delete this whole thing. It's just a bunch of whiny rambling, and nobody needs to hear that. Everyone has there own struggles, I'm not the only one. The kids are up and need me, so I've got to try to be strong for them.

On a spiritual note...

Although I am not in the best of places emotionally or physically right now, spiritually, I am on solid ground, and am grateful for that fact. I know that my mother and my husbands mother are in a beautiful, happy place now. A place full of peace that I'm sure we could not even comprehend. The real challenge is to those left behind, because we are left to move on without them in our lives for a few short moments. Those few short moments seem long and arduous in times like these, to be sure, but there is certainly peace to be found in the knowledge that I will one day embrace them and be with them again, thanks to the sacrifice of my Savior, Jesus Christ.

I should also note that I have no anger towards God for these things. I don't believe that God 'caused' them to have cancer. Things just happen, for reasons we don't understand. Sometimes, miracles are performed and people are cured, but sometimes a persons mission on this Earth is over, and we are left to try to learn and grow from the challenges that we have faced.

I hope and pray that I can learn from these challenges and all others that I will face in my time here, and become a better, stronger person because of those difficulties. Maybe I can even help someone else out along the way.

Thank you so much to my dear friends who buoy me up when I am low and cheer me on when I am successful. You are all angels to me, sent straight from heaven above! XOXOXOXOXO

I saw this YouTube video called "What Matters Most" this morning, and man did it bring things back into perspective for me.

I am a binge eater

I have learned something about myself over the course of this year. I am a binge eater. That is very hard for me to admit. I feel like I'm a failure and weak because of it. It's disgusting to me. I hate myself when I binge. I hate everything about me when I binge. Sometimes I binge because I hate everything about me. Sometimes I binge because I just can't deal with life. Sometimes I binge to bury the pain in my heart from past hurts. Sometimes I binge to forget things I can't seem to forget otherwise. When my stomach is so full that it hurts, then I can't feel the emotional pain and loss as much. Sometimes I binge because I'm depressed. Sometimes I binge because I feel stuck. Sometimes I binge because I never fulfilled some of my dreams. Sometimes I binge because I feel like a failure or I'm afraid I will fail, like I have so many other times before.

Maybe just this realization is the first step in getting over it. I'm afraid I'll never really be able to get over it.

I'm afraid. Plain afraid. Afraid that I'm not stronger than this addiction. Afraid that I can never beat it. Afraid that I'll die because of it. Afraid that it'll kill me before I kill it.

I have also realized that my workouts are the one thing that have helped me more than anything in getting the bingeing under control. It's my one arsenal against the evil binge eating. At least that does make me feel like I'm not completely defenseless against it.