I am a binge eater

I have learned something about myself over the course of this year. I am a binge eater. That is very hard for me to admit. I feel like I'm a failure and weak because of it. It's disgusting to me. I hate myself when I binge. I hate everything about me when I binge. Sometimes I binge because I hate everything about me. Sometimes I binge because I just can't deal with life. Sometimes I binge to bury the pain in my heart from past hurts. Sometimes I binge to forget things I can't seem to forget otherwise. When my stomach is so full that it hurts, then I can't feel the emotional pain and loss as much. Sometimes I binge because I'm depressed. Sometimes I binge because I feel stuck. Sometimes I binge because I never fulfilled some of my dreams. Sometimes I binge because I feel like a failure or I'm afraid I will fail, like I have so many other times before.

Maybe just this realization is the first step in getting over it. I'm afraid I'll never really be able to get over it.

I'm afraid. Plain afraid. Afraid that I'm not stronger than this addiction. Afraid that I can never beat it. Afraid that I'll die because of it. Afraid that it'll kill me before I kill it.

I have also realized that my workouts are the one thing that have helped me more than anything in getting the bingeing under control. It's my one arsenal against the evil binge eating. At least that does make me feel like I'm not completely defenseless against it.