A rough patch...

Well, I received word yesterday morning that my MIL passed into the next life after a 3 year battle with breast cancer. I'm not in a good place right now. I lost my own mother to cancer when I was just 14 years old, and watching my husband's mother go through this has just brought back way too many horribly difficult memories. Things that I would rather just forget. Pain that is much easier to bury by eating. That's really what I want to do right now, eat. I have a good excuse, but that's what got me here in the first place. I seem to be really great at finding excuses when the going gets tough.

I decided to update my weight this morning, as well. I have really and truly believed that the weight gain that came on so suddenly and won't come off was water retention from whatever weird thing is going on with my kidneys. I finished my second course of antibiotics last night, and yet the kidney pain is still present, and my weight is still way up. I am going to have to face the fact that my weight is up because of my lack of self-control and poor choices, plain and simple.

I'm not really sure what to do right now. I feel like I don't have much fight left in me. I'm very discouraged and I'm sorry to all those looking for motivation and inspiration.

I'm just not sure that I have any fight in me anymore, that's all. At least not right now.

Yesterday was a busy day of Scout stuff for my son and gymnastics for my daughter, all without my hubby who was with his family still, which is where he needed to be. Just hard to face everything right now.

I really should just delete this whole thing. It's just a bunch of whiny rambling, and nobody needs to hear that. Everyone has there own struggles, I'm not the only one. The kids are up and need me, so I've got to try to be strong for them.

On a spiritual note...

Although I am not in the best of places emotionally or physically right now, spiritually, I am on solid ground, and am grateful for that fact. I know that my mother and my husbands mother are in a beautiful, happy place now. A place full of peace that I'm sure we could not even comprehend. The real challenge is to those left behind, because we are left to move on without them in our lives for a few short moments. Those few short moments seem long and arduous in times like these, to be sure, but there is certainly peace to be found in the knowledge that I will one day embrace them and be with them again, thanks to the sacrifice of my Savior, Jesus Christ.

I should also note that I have no anger towards God for these things. I don't believe that God 'caused' them to have cancer. Things just happen, for reasons we don't understand. Sometimes, miracles are performed and people are cured, but sometimes a persons mission on this Earth is over, and we are left to try to learn and grow from the challenges that we have faced.

I hope and pray that I can learn from these challenges and all others that I will face in my time here, and become a better, stronger person because of those difficulties. Maybe I can even help someone else out along the way.

Thank you so much to my dear friends who buoy me up when I am low and cheer me on when I am successful. You are all angels to me, sent straight from heaven above! XOXOXOXOXO

I saw this YouTube video called "What Matters Most" this morning, and man did it bring things back into perspective for me.