Sugar addiction

I am starting a new program today that is supposed to help conquer sugar addiction.  It's a 4 week course over the phone, one hour every Friday, and costs $47.  Maybe I can get a new perspective and some tools to help.  It certainly can't hurt!

I am also trying to figure out how to get off the Lyrica I have been on.  I know it has contributed to my weight gain, but it helps me sleep so much, and when I don't take it I suffer anxiety and toss and turn all night.  Maybe I'll just have to suffer for a week or so while my body adjusts.  Either that or have the dr slowly lower my dose.  Gotta do something.

I want to lose weight and be healthier so I can go on rides with the kids a Disneyworld and not be worried that I won't fit.  Hate that feeling.

Susan

Rock bottom

I have officially hit rock bottom.  Time to change things.  I feel helpless to this extra weight but I will continue to remind myself tat I have the power to change.

I want to be healthy so I can go hiking.  Real hiking.  And be able to enjoy it instead of huffing and puffing the whole way.

Here's to new beginnings.

Susan

Follow-up to yesterday's venting

I appreciate the support and honesty in the comments from my blog yesterday.

I just want to do this follow-up to make sure that I make myself clear. It may have sounded like I was making excuses for myself in the blog. I definitely did not intend it that way. The point I was trying to make was that everyone has their own issues they are dealing with, and noone but themselves can know what those are or how hard they are for that particular person and we shouldn't judge or assume.

Is it just as hard for someone 10 pounds overweight to lose a pound as it is for someone 150 pounds overweight? I would say it's probably harder. I'm not saying that everyone doesn't have issues and that everyone doesn't struggle with weight, whether it be losing it or gaining it, at some point or another. To assume that someone got to be so overweight just because of a lack of self-control is, in my opinion, misguided and judgemental. Some people have better control over what they eat, but have issues in other areas of their lives that are not so visible. It's all a matter of how we deal with stress and loss and life in general, and in my case, I tend to deal with it by overeating. Others deal with it in other ways, whether healthy or not healthy. We all have problems in life and it's never easy for anyone, but the area of weight IS harder for some than others. If it wasn't, then noone would be overweight or anorexic. I can honestly say that I do not enjoy being obese. I hate it. I hate it with a passion and it effects every aspect of my life. I don't think anyone makes a conscious choice to be overweight, but it happens as life happens and people shouldn't look down on others because they are struggling with obesity. It happens. I know it does. I've experienced it many times and it hurts and only makes dealing with it harder. It sounds really simple to make changes and choose healthier things, but it can be much harder than it sounds, as most of my MFP friends can attest to.

I know I have the power within me to change and get to a healthy weight. I will do that, but I have to deal with the underlying issues to make a permanent change. I am going to be starting to see a counselor, which I am hopeful will help me recognize some of my issues and find ways to deal with them in a healthier way. Now, people may call me "mental" because I need to see a counselor. Whatever. I don't really care what people think that much anymore. I'm becoming sort of apathetic to other's opinions of me, and maybe that's partly the depression. I've got plenty of excuses if I wanted to just make excuses and not try to change. I found out today that my sister has ovarian cancer. Isn't that just a kick in the pants. I know that this would be hard for anyone, but having my mother die of cancer when I was 14 years old and my MIL die of cancer over the summer makes it even harder to deal with for me in particular. Not an excuse. Just a statement of fact as to what is going on in my life. If I don't recognize what is hard and what causes me to self-medicate with food, then I can't really beat it, now can I.

Thanks again for your comments. I have the greatest MFP friends in the world!

Susan

Major venting: not for the judgemental, gossips, back-biters, holier-than-thou, or just plain mean and rude.

I have been struggling lately. Struggling badly. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in August by one doctor and in October by another. It's been coming on for a few years now. My eating has been out of control and my workouts, the one thing that I was consistent with, has gone by the wayside of late. I am not giving up, though. I'll never give up.

Now for the venting...

I was speaking to an acquaintance of mine last week, telling her about my diagnosis and weight loss failures. I made the comment that I have "food issues". Her reply upset me, I must say. She said, "I think eveyone has issues with food. It's just what you do with it that matters." Then she proceeded to give me advice about setting limits on food and so on. Really? REALLY?! Do people really believe that someone who is 10, 20 or even 50 pounds overweight has the same issues with food as someone who is 150+ pounds overweight? Do they think it's all just a simple matter of will power and that obese people just have no self-control?

I am appalled by the implication that this gives, and it simply isn't true. There are so many factors involved! Genetics of course plays a huge role. How we are raised plays a huge role. Emotional and physical problems play a huge role. Lifestyle and income can even play a role in these things. The more I think about this the more upset I get about it. In her way of thinking, I'm just lazy and gluttenous and that's all there is to it.

Well, I wish that this had sunk in sooner so I could have told her how I really feel and maybe set her straight on a few things. For now, I guess my venting will have to due.

I would love to hear some comments on this subject. Do all fairly normal weight people really think this way? It's amazing to me how much discrimination that is still going on in this day and age. I see not only racial discrimination, but religious and weight discrimination frequently and it is sad that we can't be more understanding, loving and kind people

A friend of mine posted this on their FB page a few days ago and I think it very appropriate:

Before you assume, learn. Before you judge, understand. Before you hurt, feel. Before you say, think.

Susan

Monday, Monday

It's Monday and I am feeling very motivated this week to take care of myself by eating well and exercising every day!

I am going to try something new this week. I know that sugar is my biggest downfall but cutting it out completely just isn't realistic for me and leads to bingeing, which is NOT what I want. So, I am going to attempt to limit my sugary foods to 10-20% of my total calorie intake, which for me right now means anywhere from 150-300 calories max from sugary foods. I would like to keep it closer to the 150 mark, but I am giving myself some leeway on that. I'm hoping for a big loss this week to get me back on track with my goals.

Happy healthy eating!

A rough patch...

Well, I received word yesterday morning that my MIL passed into the next life after a 3 year battle with breast cancer. I'm not in a good place right now. I lost my own mother to cancer when I was just 14 years old, and watching my husband's mother go through this has just brought back way too many horribly difficult memories. Things that I would rather just forget. Pain that is much easier to bury by eating. That's really what I want to do right now, eat. I have a good excuse, but that's what got me here in the first place. I seem to be really great at finding excuses when the going gets tough.

I decided to update my weight this morning, as well. I have really and truly believed that the weight gain that came on so suddenly and won't come off was water retention from whatever weird thing is going on with my kidneys. I finished my second course of antibiotics last night, and yet the kidney pain is still present, and my weight is still way up. I am going to have to face the fact that my weight is up because of my lack of self-control and poor choices, plain and simple.

I'm not really sure what to do right now. I feel like I don't have much fight left in me. I'm very discouraged and I'm sorry to all those looking for motivation and inspiration.

I'm just not sure that I have any fight in me anymore, that's all. At least not right now.

Yesterday was a busy day of Scout stuff for my son and gymnastics for my daughter, all without my hubby who was with his family still, which is where he needed to be. Just hard to face everything right now.

I really should just delete this whole thing. It's just a bunch of whiny rambling, and nobody needs to hear that. Everyone has there own struggles, I'm not the only one. The kids are up and need me, so I've got to try to be strong for them.

On a spiritual note...

Although I am not in the best of places emotionally or physically right now, spiritually, I am on solid ground, and am grateful for that fact. I know that my mother and my husbands mother are in a beautiful, happy place now. A place full of peace that I'm sure we could not even comprehend. The real challenge is to those left behind, because we are left to move on without them in our lives for a few short moments. Those few short moments seem long and arduous in times like these, to be sure, but there is certainly peace to be found in the knowledge that I will one day embrace them and be with them again, thanks to the sacrifice of my Savior, Jesus Christ.

I should also note that I have no anger towards God for these things. I don't believe that God 'caused' them to have cancer. Things just happen, for reasons we don't understand. Sometimes, miracles are performed and people are cured, but sometimes a persons mission on this Earth is over, and we are left to try to learn and grow from the challenges that we have faced.

I hope and pray that I can learn from these challenges and all others that I will face in my time here, and become a better, stronger person because of those difficulties. Maybe I can even help someone else out along the way.

Thank you so much to my dear friends who buoy me up when I am low and cheer me on when I am successful. You are all angels to me, sent straight from heaven above! XOXOXOXOXO

I saw this YouTube video called "What Matters Most" this morning, and man did it bring things back into perspective for me.

I am a binge eater

I have learned something about myself over the course of this year. I am a binge eater. That is very hard for me to admit. I feel like I'm a failure and weak because of it. It's disgusting to me. I hate myself when I binge. I hate everything about me when I binge. Sometimes I binge because I hate everything about me. Sometimes I binge because I just can't deal with life. Sometimes I binge to bury the pain in my heart from past hurts. Sometimes I binge to forget things I can't seem to forget otherwise. When my stomach is so full that it hurts, then I can't feel the emotional pain and loss as much. Sometimes I binge because I'm depressed. Sometimes I binge because I feel stuck. Sometimes I binge because I never fulfilled some of my dreams. Sometimes I binge because I feel like a failure or I'm afraid I will fail, like I have so many other times before.

Maybe just this realization is the first step in getting over it. I'm afraid I'll never really be able to get over it.

I'm afraid. Plain afraid. Afraid that I'm not stronger than this addiction. Afraid that I can never beat it. Afraid that I'll die because of it. Afraid that it'll kill me before I kill it.

I have also realized that my workouts are the one thing that have helped me more than anything in getting the bingeing under control. It's my one arsenal against the evil binge eating. At least that does make me feel like I'm not completely defenseless against it.