312.8 Throwing in the towel

That's what I almost did yesterday. I felt like a hopeless case. I was just so exhausted, mentally exhausted, after over three weeks of trying with all my might to lose weight. I did lose weight, but yesterday it didn't matter. 11 pounds is a lot, right? Not to me. It's not even enough for me to tell, except for maybe a little bit in my clothes and my fingers weren't as bloated. 11 pounds is just a drop in the bucket when it comes to losing 180. After spending every day taking meticulous care in what I ate and letting other things slide so that I could get some exercie, I was just so tired. Tired of worrying about what I was going to eat at the next meal or how to burn some calories that day. So many other things pulling at me, that I just didn't have the mental energy to deal with it, and that made me feel like a hopeless case.

I guess I was feeling like it didn't matter how much I tried, how much I did, how careful I was, I would never truly be slim. It's kind of like this thing that sits out of my reach, but I can never quite touch. It teases me and taunts me, and it's too easy to feel like it can never really be mine. Like I'll never be able to actually wrap my arms around it and embrace it. Like my mind can't wrap itself around the reality that could be mine.

I know, logically, that that is not true. I know, logically, that perserverence will see me through, and that this is a long journey I have set out on. But emotionally, I felt like someone lost in the middle of a desert, searching for water that just wasn't there. (With a big cake helicopter hovering over promising instantanious rest and relief, if I would just go to it! LOL) I can laugh about this a little more today. Yesterday I couldn't. I didn't want to. I was too exhausted to laugh. I was too overwhelmed to smile. I was too despondent to care.

I woke up yesterday and stepped on the scale, like I have every day. I ate too much, but I logged everything like I have every day, which means I ate less than I would have if I hadn't been logging. I even mustered the courage to step on my Wii Fit last night. The kids had been begging to watch me do my 'thang' all day (they love to watch me do Wii Fit) and so I stepped on and started, feeling mostly like I was wasting my time. Then those endorphins kicked in, and with my kids cheering me on, I burned over 400 calories! I don't know exactly why, but I got off and put the kids to bed and for the first time in quite a few days was actually feeling happy and even a little bit hopeful again.

I went to bed and got a good nights sleep, and am feeling re-energized this morning. I got up and drank four cups of water and then ate a good breakfast. It's amazing the difference a day can make. I didn't eat great yesterday, but I didn't throw in the towel, either, and I'm SO GLAD I didn't, because I wouldn't have been feeling happy last night if I had binged. I wouldn't be feeling re-energized this morning if I had gone out of control. I would be feeling even more depressed than ever. I would be sinking back into the cycle of despondency that got me here in the first place. My supportive friends were that thread of a lifeline that kept me from sinking under, and I so appreciate it.

This was a great learning experience for me, and I know that this will get easier as I go. In a month from now, I might even be able to notice the weight loss. In a month from now, it will have become more of a habit to eat the good foods instead of the bad, and get that exercise every day. In a month from now it won't be such a struggle just to get through the day. In a month from now I will begin to be able to see the new me shining through a little more and maybe be able to visualize what I might look like at a healthy weight. In two months from now maybe I will be shopping for new clothes in a new, lower size for the first time in years. That will be a great day. A wonderful happy day. I can't really visualize myself a year from now, it's too far off and too untouchable to me, but one size smaller pants is something I can hold on to right now, so that's what I'll focus on. To not have to instantly look for the biggest size in the big girls section and hope it fits will be a happy day for me, and today I am happy that I am still on the way to seeing that day.

Ok, regarding my weight, I would have had to eat 3500 EXTRA calories yesterday to gain a pound of fat in one day. I did not, so I know that the pounds that have come back these last few days are excess water and whatever else. I'm sure those pounds will come back off in about five days from now. ;~)

311.6 #*!*%&*@#&*@&!!!!!!!

Yeah, I don't want to talk about it.

I will say this, I wanted, more than anything, to NOT get on that scale this morning. That kind of denial is what got me where I am, so I did it anyway.

309.8 Lovely

Ok, I'd really like to stay below the 310s, please. Yesterday was a hard day, but I actually still stayed within my calorie goal. I didn't drink NEARLY enough water, though. That is probably the main reason for the huge gain. I'm retaining water like crazy. At least I know this is temporary, and in a week from now I should be a whole lot closer to leaving the 300s behind forever. 3 is DEFINTELY my least favorite number! Unless, of course, 3 were to happen to show up as my amount of weight lost......say tomorrow.....hint hint.

I've got lots of cleaning to do today and tomorrow to get ready for my son's birthday party on Sunday. Hopefully all that cleaning will burn some serious calories!!!

Good luck everyone, and happy healthy eating!

308.6 :~p

I've been expecting this jump, not because I haven't been being good, just because of the TOM around the corner.

I'm having a really hard day today. Didn't get to bed until WAY too late last night, and then my 8 yo was not feeling well and woke me up after just getting to sleep. Had a doctors appt this morning, and didn't get any breakfast before hand, so by the time I got home, I was famished. Big mistake. The convenience store got me! Had a donut, a big diet soda (haven't had any soda for over a week), and some cheetos. :~( I'm not throwing in the towel for today, though. I'm using this as a good example why I have to make eating a priority, because if I get too hungry, emotions take over and I fall into my old bad habits. I'm going to take a nap soon. Just got to get the kids to bed, and then it's crash time for me.

I'm going to start posting pictures soon. I know it will be a much more interesting blog with some pics to look at.

307.8 Refried beans

Down another .4 .....I could get used to this! I'm bracing myself for troubled water ahead, though.

I wanted to share this recipe I found for homemade refried beans. I love refried beans, but with the lard and the sodium, it's not the best choice for weight loss. This one is, though! I tried it on Sat. and have been eating it all week. It's delicious and totally good for you!

1 pkg dry pinto beans
salt, pepper, cumin and a dash of cayenne.

I started mine in the crock pot the night before on low and they were ready that afternoon. You could also start them on the stove at lunch and they'll be ready for dinner, or the crock pot in the morning for dinner. I added the salt to the water, so they kind of flavored the beans as they cooked. I also did not use the cayenne, just because we didn't have any. Once they were soft, I added the spices and used the new immersion blender I got for Christmas to mush them all up.

Big thanks to the 'Yummy and delicious recipe exchange' on facebook for introducing the recipe to me. :~)

308.2 Aspartame sensitivity

I'm not doing anything differently, and I'm dropping pounds like crazy! It just goes to show how important it is not to get discouraged and stick to your guns when the going gets rough.

I wanted to post a little bit about artificial sweeteners and get some feedback, if you don't mind. I have noticed, for a while, that when I eat/drink anything with Aspartame/nutra sweet in it, I feel really awful afterwards. It causes me to have kind of a brain fog and even a little blurry vision. It also makes me want to eat and eat, plus I get very low energy. It's kind of weird, because even though my stomach may be full (I don't have the normal sensations of hunger), I still have the need to eat. It's the strangest thing. I am thinking of calling it a Aspartame sensitivity or allergy. Have any of you experienced these type of symptoms? I did some googling and there is a lot of crazy claims about it causing brain tumors and lupus and multiple sclerosis. I'm not sure I believe that, but I do know that I feel awful when I eat it. Even just yesterday, I ate a yoplait light yogurt, and I started having those reactions within 10 minutes. I guess I am just going to have to find alternatives that don't include the aspartame. I would love to hear your stories and insights as well as better alternatives.

Thank you in advance!

309.6 Holy crapola, Batman!

WHOA!!! What happened here?!?! 2 more pounds, overnight!!!! YEEHAW!!! My body has finally decided to give up some weight. I didn't even have time to work out yesterday, between running to basketball games for my son, cleaning the house, and babysitting 5 extra kids last night.....ok, I guess maybe that was workout enough, in itself.

Let's just say, I'm flying high today!

Now, I'm starving! Time to get me some viddles. :~)

Happy healthy eating!!!

311.6 Yippee!!

I broke through my plateau and am officially 11 pounds closer to my goal! YAYAYAYAYAYA!!! I didn't realize how much I was really needing to see another loss! It felt so good!! Having that first 10 pounds behind me is such a good feeling. :~) It's gonna be a GREAT day!!!

312.4 Weight loss funny

My body's still not budging. My body is almost as stubborn as my spirit! Almost.....

I had to share this, because it just made me laugh! My kids have been obsessed with watching movies off Netflix instant play. Tonight, while we ate our dinner, they had on an episode of "Garfield". In this episode, John takes Garfield to the vet, the vet puts Garfield (with much effort) on the scale and tells John that the cat needs to lose some weight. John proceeds to take Garfield home and give him a big piece of lettuce for dinner. After John leaves the room, Garfield stares at the lettuce, heads for the fridge, and then slathers his lettuce with whipped cream and chocolate syrup! LMBO!!! I could totally do that!!! :~) Then, Garfield gets on the scale and it proceeds to call him names. My scale does that!!! Then, Garfield has nightmares about a monster scale trying to 'get' him!!! I'm afraid to go to sleep now....

I can totally relate to Garfield. Maybe someday I'll be able to relate more to 'Sporticus' from Lazy Town, but for now it's my old pal Garfield all the way. To say the least, I was in no mood for salad with my pizza tonight, at least not without a nice Garfield style dressing. LOL!

Happy healthy eating!

312.4 Hitting a wall

I can't seem to get below this number on my new scale. I am happy that I was down from yesterday, though.

I did a test this morning with my old scale, and it consistently weighed me 4-5 pounds lower than my new scale, so I've decided to adjust my start weight. I need to see a true number that I have lost, because seeing that 5-7 pounds over and over has been a little discouraging.

I played basketball last night! It was great fun!! My knee gave out once, but other than that, it held up pretty well. It's a little sore today, but it was worth it. I enjoy doing sports for exercise much more than walking on the treadmill, I must say!!!

313.2 A sneaky weight loss nemesis

My initial reaction when seeing today's number on the scale, was complete and total anger.

Then I took a few deep breaths, counted to ten, and started to think about it rationally. I knew that I was retaining water when I first woke up and noticed my fingers were bloated. I should have expected a bad day on the scale at that moment, but I am a naturally optimisic person, and couldn't help but still hope for that lower number. After my hopes were dashed to the ground, I decided to try and figure out WHY I was retaining so much water. My first thought, which is probably most women's thought, is it my TOM? No. Not even close. So my next thought brought me to the computer to examine what I have been eating the last few days that would cause this. I am very grateful for the fact that I have been logging all my food into a website called My Fitness Pal. One of the features on this sight, is that it gives not only caloric information for the food, but complete nutritional info. I can see, at a glance, how much protein, fat, sugar, vitamins and SODIUM I have had each day. Well, you can imagine my surprise when I saw that I had gone SIGNIFICANTLY over my sodium intake EVERY DAY for the last THREE days. Mystery solved. I have been very low energy this week for some reason, and as a result have ended up eating out every night. I stayed in (or pretty close to) my calorie range, but hadn't even thought about the sodium. I even checked calorie counts BEFORE we left to go to Del Taco last night, and knew I could have a bean burrito and a chicken soft taco for dinner. Low and behold, the darn bean burrito had 1650 mg of sodium and the soft taco, over 400. The recommended sodium intake for me, for the entire day, is 2500mg. I ate almost that much in one meal! Lovely. So, to say the least, I will be watching my sodium intake much more closely from here on out.

Today marked two full weeks since my start weight was taken. This last week has definitely been a roller coaster and I'm ready to GET OFF and start losing some real weight. I have never had such a hard time losing weight, especially the first week or two. I guess all the yo yo yo yo yo yo-ing has taken it's toll, and my body is a little less willing to give up its precious "food storage". But it will. Oh, it will.

Here's an article a friend on My Fitness Pal posted about how to know if you are losing water weight or fat. I thought it was an informative article. Click HERE to access the link.

I am planning to have a lower number to post tomorrow. Do you hear me body?! LOWER TOMORROW! Okey dokey. Thanks. :~)

312.6 Morbidly obese weight loss expert?

Ok, maybe this weighing every day thing was a bad idea.....

The ultimate oxymoron- a morbidly obese weight loss expert!

I was just thinking about how I am such a weight loss expert! WHAT?! A fat, weight loss expert? That's right, folks! I have tried almost every diet that has ever been out there, from Atkins to Weight Watchers and everything in between. I've read countless books on weight loss and numerous articles in magazines about weight loss. I've watched many a season of biggest loser (isn't that qualifier?!). I've even lost weight, including my biggest success of a 75lb weight loss. I would dare any professional nutritionist or personal trainer to come up with information that I don't already know.....so then, why am I still overweight?!?! Good question. The answer is simple. Although I know what I SHOULD be doing, I don't actually DO IT!!!

I have the perfect example for you right here on this blog. I know very well that it is not a good idea to weigh every day, and yet, I am doing it! Why do I do this?!?! Am I so arrogant as to think that I am the exception to every rule? I surely hope not. Is it just my personality to have to learn everything the hard way? Possibly. Am I just such an impatient person, that it's excruciatingly hard for me to wait an entire week to get on the scale to see if my efforts are paying off. Definitely! LOL! At least I can laugh at myself today, right. :~) Some day, maybe I can be a slim weight loss expert, but for now, I've just got to remind myself to take my own darn advice for a change!!! Wait a minute....I think I just made a psychological break through! Impatience is the reason I am weighing every day, even though I know I shouldn't. Impatience is the reason I always used to put off my weight loss plan until 'tomorrow' or 'Monday'. (I want the unhealthy foods right NOW!) Impatience is the reason I yell at my kids way too much. THE SOLUTION TO ALL MY PROBLEMS MUST BE PATIENCE!!!! Woo hoo! Thank you blog for helping me with my completely free therapy session.

Ok, I'm getting a little impatient with this long blog post, so I better wrap it up. ;~)

Happy healthy eating everyone!

311.6 Detox?

Down a little bit more today. I'm happy with that!

I have been feeling so exhausted this last week, and I am wondering if it could be detox? Either that or I'm fighting some sort of infection. I have just had no energy at all to do anything other than the necessary. My hubby was gone a lot for most of last week, and that didn't help at all! He's been a huge help when he is home, though, so I am very grateful for that......but my house, is well, a disaster! No visitors until I can recover from this malaise and kick it back into gear.

oh, and btw, I think I may be almost ready to start posting some before pictures. Soon. Very soon. I just have to get up the courage.

312 Now we're talkin'

Finally! I'm headed back in the right direction!!! I didn't eat enough fruits and veggies yesterday, but stayed in my calorie limit. Now, I just need to KEEP it moving in the right direction!!!

I haven't had any pain relievers in a couple days. :~)

It's amazing how much motivation a little weight loss can give! Feeling tons better!!

I didn't get to try out my Wii fit yesterday. I'm definitely doing it today. I gotta build some muscle and lose some fat!!

Go get 'em all you wonderful, fabulous people out there!

314.4 New scale

Question: What is harder and more humiliating that posting your enormous weight on the internet for all to see?

Answer: Posting a 4lb weight gain on the internet for all to see.

Even though I know this is just because I got a new scale and my old one was messed up, seeing that number go up, when I have been trying so hard to eat right and exercise is really bringing me down. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle right now.

Question: What makes you feel worse than seeing a 4lb weight gain on your new scale?

Answer: When the new scale tries to calculate your Body fat % and gives an error. Error being, after some looking in the manual, that my body fat% is too high for it to calculate. *tears* How in the heck did this get so bad, and how have I been so oblivious to it. This means, since I have a full disclosure policy now, that my body fat% is higher than 60%. It definitely makes me face reality when I have to type these numbers. I don't like it and feel so super overwhelmed right now I can hardly see straight.

Oh, and I ate a donut yesterday.

I did stay pretty close to my daily calorie goal, though, so I know that the weight gain is due to the new scale.

At least I know that I've got an accurate and reliable weight now. I stepped on the scale 4 times and it gave me the same weight every time. Yippee. *sarcasm oozing from my pores*

I promise to be more upbeat and postitive tomorrow. I finally got my Wii fit I've been wanting. I think I'll try it out tonight after the kids are in bed.

btw-the scale I got is great and I found it at Sam's Club for $27. It will calulate body fat %, body water % and some other stuff (for most anyone except for me, apparantly)

310.4 I think.

I need a new scale. The one I have is so incredibly unreliable, it's ridiculous. Sometimes it does great, and other times, like today, it's impossible to get an accurate weight. I always step on twice and make sure I get the same number twice. This morning, I must have stepped on the scale 30 times and I don't think I got the same number twice. I even put new batteries in it, and it made no difference at all. What a pain. The weight ranged anywhere from 298.6 up to 312 and almost everything in between. It seemed that the average was around the same as yesterday, so I'm just saying it stayed the same.

I was frustrated before, now I'm down right discouraged. I'm not giving up, so don't give up on me. My body just seems to be fighting me right now. I felt like I ate really well again. Came under my calorie limit again, but still nothing.

I did do some research on the Ibuprofen thing, and it does seem that it may cause water retention. I also discovered that it can increase your chances dramatically of congestive heart failure. WHAT?! I thought the only really serious side effects were related to stomach and intestinal damage, and since I've never had any problems with my stomach, I take it all the time! To say the least, I will not be taking it with such reckless abandon anymore. My knee will be getting a whole lot more ice and brace than medication from now on.

Here's where I got my info about Ibuprofen and other NSAIDs if you're interested. Scroll down to 'RENAL' for info on fluid retention specifically.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-steroidal_anti-inflammatory_drug

310.4 FRUSTRATED!

I was really, really good yesterday! What's up with this?! I logged all my calories yesterday and was more than 100 calories under my recommended. It must be water retention. That's the only thing I can think. I did have to take a lot of Ibuprofen yesterday for my knee. I wonder if that can cause fluid retention? I'm going to do some research on that. I went to Quiznos for dinner last night and had a flatbread sammie and chicken noodle soup. Normally, I would have eaten french fries, burger and soda from a fast food restaurant, but the no fake food thing helped me make a much better choice. I'm trying REALLY hard not to be discouraged. :~(

309.8 Reality check

Well, although I did do a lot of things right yesterday, it's obvious that I did some things wrong. The biggest of those mistakes being a very delicious, although not very healthy, lunch of nacho pie. :~\ I only ate one slice with a salad for lunch, which probably wouldn't have been so bad, but then the afternoon hunger set in and I had another piece. Big mistake. The second mistake was putting off my exercise until too late, and then didn't get it in because I was too tired, my knee was hurting and the baby was asleep in my room where the treadmill is. As long as I don't make these bad days a regular occurance, I should be ok. It's when every day turns into a bad day that I will get into trouble. I just can't get discouraged and head back into a downward spiral.

So, this morning, I got straight up and got on the treadmill and did my stretching. DONE! It's a good feeling to have it out of the way. My knee is hurting pretty bad, but a little TLC today and hopefully it will be better by tomorrow. I got this article in my e-mail and thought I'd share it. The most helpful info for me was that, while vigorous exercise suppresses the appetite, moderate exercise stimulates it! I always wondered why I was more hungry on the days I exercised. That explains it! I kicked up the speed on my treadmill a bit this morning as a result. Here is the link~ http://www.oprah.com/health/Weight-Loss-Help-from-Bob-Greene

309.2 Ready for a great week!

Ok, I did like it better when I was seeing a new, lower number every day, (besides just behind the decimal) but I knew this would happen. I couldn't sleep last night and ended up getting up and eating. And a chunk of the caramel I have for making caramel apples and a handful of pretzels was definitely not the best choice. Today's a new day, though, and a new start and I am excited to 'get this party started'!

I am going to start journaling everything I eat on my ipod. I have an app for that specifically, and it seems to make a big difference when I log what I eat. It makes me more aware and accountable to myself. It's tedious getting it done, but I've got to get past that.

309.8 Fun evening

Last night my husband and I got a rare date night, and it was fabulous! We went to Zupas! for dinner and I had the nuts about berries half salad (I am not a fan of salad, but I LOVE this salad) and a bowl of cream of cauliflower soup. It was SOOOOO delicious. I am an official addict. I probably would have been better off with a soup that wasn't 'cream', but I love the cauliflower soup and decided to let myself have it. It DOES have vegetables in it, after all!! Big thanks to my good friend, Tamara, who introduced me to my new favorite restaurant. btw-for some reason most of the day yesterday I seemed to have an insatiable appetite. It didn't matter what I ate, within 20-30 min I was hungry again. I just kept trying to make good choices when I was hungry and drink some water and wait it out. By the time we were done at Zupas I was stuffed, and remained so for the rest of the evening. Thank heavens.

These are the masks I made for the masquerade ball.

After dinner we attended a masquerade ball! Some friends of ours put on an annual 'mock'tail party and we were able to go this year for the first time. We had a blast dancing the night away and I got my exercise in while we were at it. :~) Much better than the treadmill, I must say. My sweet hubby wasn't feeling the greatest, but he knew how much I had been looking forward to it, and so he indulged me. We didn't dance as much as we might have if he had been feeling better, but we still got quite a lot of dancing in. I probably would have lost more weight if it weren't for the three 'mock'tails I indulged in (although one was made with diet Sprite). They were delicious, though, and worth every bit of calories. (It's not like I drink mocktails all the time, right!) I was so full from dinner that I didn't even touch the mini chocolate cupcakes and other hors d'oeuvres except for one cracker with spinach dip on it. Delicious, btw. All in all it was a fabulous night, and I was a little worried I wouldn't lose anything or possibly gain because of my indulgence, but it turned out alright after all. I still lost some weight, and what more can a girl ask for but a night out on the town followed by a little weight loss. :~)

310.4 WHAT?!

I had a great day yesterday! Got a little exercise in, actually ate carrot sticks with lunch, and had a big salad before the pizza got home, so only ate 2 pieces instead of 4. I must have had a lot of water retention going on, though! I'm sure that this will probably be the last day of multiple pound losses in one day. Goodbye water weight. I won't miss you a bit!!!

315.0 Pluggin' along

Ok, so how in the world I lost 2.6 pounds yesterday is a mystery. Although, I do have a theory. 1-that just proves how bad I was eating before, if I can eat oreos and still lose weight. 2-I am just coming off my 'time of the month', and so may have had some extra water weight that is releasing. Who knows, but I don't care! Just as long as I'm still goin' down!!

317.6 better than nothing

I did fairly well in my eating yesterday, until my husband came home and announced that he wanted to go out for dinner to IHOP. I have a severe weakness for breakfast food and the pancakes were probably not the best choice, but at least I am down a little from yesterday. The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, right?! My journey of -180 pounds begins with -1 pound.

318.6 depressed

I weighed myself this morning and about fell on the floor in shame. 318.6 I can't believe it. Then I think about all the junk I've been eating the last few months and I can believe it. I knew deep down it was going to be bad, because my clothes were fitting tighter than ever. I am determined to make a change. I can't keep living my life this way. My church has a women's basketball team starting up, and oh, how I would love to be able to play, but all I can picture is the other women snickering at me as I lumber up and down the court. My new goals are simple. I need to lose weight and I need to do it NOW!