312.8 Throwing in the towel

That's what I almost did yesterday. I felt like a hopeless case. I was just so exhausted, mentally exhausted, after over three weeks of trying with all my might to lose weight. I did lose weight, but yesterday it didn't matter. 11 pounds is a lot, right? Not to me. It's not even enough for me to tell, except for maybe a little bit in my clothes and my fingers weren't as bloated. 11 pounds is just a drop in the bucket when it comes to losing 180. After spending every day taking meticulous care in what I ate and letting other things slide so that I could get some exercie, I was just so tired. Tired of worrying about what I was going to eat at the next meal or how to burn some calories that day. So many other things pulling at me, that I just didn't have the mental energy to deal with it, and that made me feel like a hopeless case.

I guess I was feeling like it didn't matter how much I tried, how much I did, how careful I was, I would never truly be slim. It's kind of like this thing that sits out of my reach, but I can never quite touch. It teases me and taunts me, and it's too easy to feel like it can never really be mine. Like I'll never be able to actually wrap my arms around it and embrace it. Like my mind can't wrap itself around the reality that could be mine.

I know, logically, that that is not true. I know, logically, that perserverence will see me through, and that this is a long journey I have set out on. But emotionally, I felt like someone lost in the middle of a desert, searching for water that just wasn't there. (With a big cake helicopter hovering over promising instantanious rest and relief, if I would just go to it! LOL) I can laugh about this a little more today. Yesterday I couldn't. I didn't want to. I was too exhausted to laugh. I was too overwhelmed to smile. I was too despondent to care.

I woke up yesterday and stepped on the scale, like I have every day. I ate too much, but I logged everything like I have every day, which means I ate less than I would have if I hadn't been logging. I even mustered the courage to step on my Wii Fit last night. The kids had been begging to watch me do my 'thang' all day (they love to watch me do Wii Fit) and so I stepped on and started, feeling mostly like I was wasting my time. Then those endorphins kicked in, and with my kids cheering me on, I burned over 400 calories! I don't know exactly why, but I got off and put the kids to bed and for the first time in quite a few days was actually feeling happy and even a little bit hopeful again.

I went to bed and got a good nights sleep, and am feeling re-energized this morning. I got up and drank four cups of water and then ate a good breakfast. It's amazing the difference a day can make. I didn't eat great yesterday, but I didn't throw in the towel, either, and I'm SO GLAD I didn't, because I wouldn't have been feeling happy last night if I had binged. I wouldn't be feeling re-energized this morning if I had gone out of control. I would be feeling even more depressed than ever. I would be sinking back into the cycle of despondency that got me here in the first place. My supportive friends were that thread of a lifeline that kept me from sinking under, and I so appreciate it.

This was a great learning experience for me, and I know that this will get easier as I go. In a month from now, I might even be able to notice the weight loss. In a month from now, it will have become more of a habit to eat the good foods instead of the bad, and get that exercise every day. In a month from now it won't be such a struggle just to get through the day. In a month from now I will begin to be able to see the new me shining through a little more and maybe be able to visualize what I might look like at a healthy weight. In two months from now maybe I will be shopping for new clothes in a new, lower size for the first time in years. That will be a great day. A wonderful happy day. I can't really visualize myself a year from now, it's too far off and too untouchable to me, but one size smaller pants is something I can hold on to right now, so that's what I'll focus on. To not have to instantly look for the biggest size in the big girls section and hope it fits will be a happy day for me, and today I am happy that I am still on the way to seeing that day.

Ok, regarding my weight, I would have had to eat 3500 EXTRA calories yesterday to gain a pound of fat in one day. I did not, so I know that the pounds that have come back these last few days are excess water and whatever else. I'm sure those pounds will come back off in about five days from now. ;~)