Follow-up to yesterday's venting

I appreciate the support and honesty in the comments from my blog yesterday.

I just want to do this follow-up to make sure that I make myself clear. It may have sounded like I was making excuses for myself in the blog. I definitely did not intend it that way. The point I was trying to make was that everyone has their own issues they are dealing with, and noone but themselves can know what those are or how hard they are for that particular person and we shouldn't judge or assume.

Is it just as hard for someone 10 pounds overweight to lose a pound as it is for someone 150 pounds overweight? I would say it's probably harder. I'm not saying that everyone doesn't have issues and that everyone doesn't struggle with weight, whether it be losing it or gaining it, at some point or another. To assume that someone got to be so overweight just because of a lack of self-control is, in my opinion, misguided and judgemental. Some people have better control over what they eat, but have issues in other areas of their lives that are not so visible. It's all a matter of how we deal with stress and loss and life in general, and in my case, I tend to deal with it by overeating. Others deal with it in other ways, whether healthy or not healthy. We all have problems in life and it's never easy for anyone, but the area of weight IS harder for some than others. If it wasn't, then noone would be overweight or anorexic. I can honestly say that I do not enjoy being obese. I hate it. I hate it with a passion and it effects every aspect of my life. I don't think anyone makes a conscious choice to be overweight, but it happens as life happens and people shouldn't look down on others because they are struggling with obesity. It happens. I know it does. I've experienced it many times and it hurts and only makes dealing with it harder. It sounds really simple to make changes and choose healthier things, but it can be much harder than it sounds, as most of my MFP friends can attest to.

I know I have the power within me to change and get to a healthy weight. I will do that, but I have to deal with the underlying issues to make a permanent change. I am going to be starting to see a counselor, which I am hopeful will help me recognize some of my issues and find ways to deal with them in a healthier way. Now, people may call me "mental" because I need to see a counselor. Whatever. I don't really care what people think that much anymore. I'm becoming sort of apathetic to other's opinions of me, and maybe that's partly the depression. I've got plenty of excuses if I wanted to just make excuses and not try to change. I found out today that my sister has ovarian cancer. Isn't that just a kick in the pants. I know that this would be hard for anyone, but having my mother die of cancer when I was 14 years old and my MIL die of cancer over the summer makes it even harder to deal with for me in particular. Not an excuse. Just a statement of fact as to what is going on in my life. If I don't recognize what is hard and what causes me to self-medicate with food, then I can't really beat it, now can I.

Thanks again for your comments. I have the greatest MFP friends in the world!

Susan

Major venting: not for the judgemental, gossips, back-biters, holier-than-thou, or just plain mean and rude.

I have been struggling lately. Struggling badly. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in August by one doctor and in October by another. It's been coming on for a few years now. My eating has been out of control and my workouts, the one thing that I was consistent with, has gone by the wayside of late. I am not giving up, though. I'll never give up.

Now for the venting...

I was speaking to an acquaintance of mine last week, telling her about my diagnosis and weight loss failures. I made the comment that I have "food issues". Her reply upset me, I must say. She said, "I think eveyone has issues with food. It's just what you do with it that matters." Then she proceeded to give me advice about setting limits on food and so on. Really? REALLY?! Do people really believe that someone who is 10, 20 or even 50 pounds overweight has the same issues with food as someone who is 150+ pounds overweight? Do they think it's all just a simple matter of will power and that obese people just have no self-control?

I am appalled by the implication that this gives, and it simply isn't true. There are so many factors involved! Genetics of course plays a huge role. How we are raised plays a huge role. Emotional and physical problems play a huge role. Lifestyle and income can even play a role in these things. The more I think about this the more upset I get about it. In her way of thinking, I'm just lazy and gluttenous and that's all there is to it.

Well, I wish that this had sunk in sooner so I could have told her how I really feel and maybe set her straight on a few things. For now, I guess my venting will have to due.

I would love to hear some comments on this subject. Do all fairly normal weight people really think this way? It's amazing to me how much discrimination that is still going on in this day and age. I see not only racial discrimination, but religious and weight discrimination frequently and it is sad that we can't be more understanding, loving and kind people

A friend of mine posted this on their FB page a few days ago and I think it very appropriate:

Before you assume, learn. Before you judge, understand. Before you hurt, feel. Before you say, think.

Susan

Monday, Monday

It's Monday and I am feeling very motivated this week to take care of myself by eating well and exercising every day!

I am going to try something new this week. I know that sugar is my biggest downfall but cutting it out completely just isn't realistic for me and leads to bingeing, which is NOT what I want. So, I am going to attempt to limit my sugary foods to 10-20% of my total calorie intake, which for me right now means anywhere from 150-300 calories max from sugary foods. I would like to keep it closer to the 150 mark, but I am giving myself some leeway on that. I'm hoping for a big loss this week to get me back on track with my goals.

Happy healthy eating!

A rough patch...

Well, I received word yesterday morning that my MIL passed into the next life after a 3 year battle with breast cancer. I'm not in a good place right now. I lost my own mother to cancer when I was just 14 years old, and watching my husband's mother go through this has just brought back way too many horribly difficult memories. Things that I would rather just forget. Pain that is much easier to bury by eating. That's really what I want to do right now, eat. I have a good excuse, but that's what got me here in the first place. I seem to be really great at finding excuses when the going gets tough.

I decided to update my weight this morning, as well. I have really and truly believed that the weight gain that came on so suddenly and won't come off was water retention from whatever weird thing is going on with my kidneys. I finished my second course of antibiotics last night, and yet the kidney pain is still present, and my weight is still way up. I am going to have to face the fact that my weight is up because of my lack of self-control and poor choices, plain and simple.

I'm not really sure what to do right now. I feel like I don't have much fight left in me. I'm very discouraged and I'm sorry to all those looking for motivation and inspiration.

I'm just not sure that I have any fight in me anymore, that's all. At least not right now.

Yesterday was a busy day of Scout stuff for my son and gymnastics for my daughter, all without my hubby who was with his family still, which is where he needed to be. Just hard to face everything right now.

I really should just delete this whole thing. It's just a bunch of whiny rambling, and nobody needs to hear that. Everyone has there own struggles, I'm not the only one. The kids are up and need me, so I've got to try to be strong for them.

On a spiritual note...

Although I am not in the best of places emotionally or physically right now, spiritually, I am on solid ground, and am grateful for that fact. I know that my mother and my husbands mother are in a beautiful, happy place now. A place full of peace that I'm sure we could not even comprehend. The real challenge is to those left behind, because we are left to move on without them in our lives for a few short moments. Those few short moments seem long and arduous in times like these, to be sure, but there is certainly peace to be found in the knowledge that I will one day embrace them and be with them again, thanks to the sacrifice of my Savior, Jesus Christ.

I should also note that I have no anger towards God for these things. I don't believe that God 'caused' them to have cancer. Things just happen, for reasons we don't understand. Sometimes, miracles are performed and people are cured, but sometimes a persons mission on this Earth is over, and we are left to try to learn and grow from the challenges that we have faced.

I hope and pray that I can learn from these challenges and all others that I will face in my time here, and become a better, stronger person because of those difficulties. Maybe I can even help someone else out along the way.

Thank you so much to my dear friends who buoy me up when I am low and cheer me on when I am successful. You are all angels to me, sent straight from heaven above! XOXOXOXOXO

I saw this YouTube video called "What Matters Most" this morning, and man did it bring things back into perspective for me.

I am a binge eater

I have learned something about myself over the course of this year. I am a binge eater. That is very hard for me to admit. I feel like I'm a failure and weak because of it. It's disgusting to me. I hate myself when I binge. I hate everything about me when I binge. Sometimes I binge because I hate everything about me. Sometimes I binge because I just can't deal with life. Sometimes I binge to bury the pain in my heart from past hurts. Sometimes I binge to forget things I can't seem to forget otherwise. When my stomach is so full that it hurts, then I can't feel the emotional pain and loss as much. Sometimes I binge because I'm depressed. Sometimes I binge because I feel stuck. Sometimes I binge because I never fulfilled some of my dreams. Sometimes I binge because I feel like a failure or I'm afraid I will fail, like I have so many other times before.

Maybe just this realization is the first step in getting over it. I'm afraid I'll never really be able to get over it.

I'm afraid. Plain afraid. Afraid that I'm not stronger than this addiction. Afraid that I can never beat it. Afraid that I'll die because of it. Afraid that it'll kill me before I kill it.

I have also realized that my workouts are the one thing that have helped me more than anything in getting the bingeing under control. It's my one arsenal against the evil binge eating. At least that does make me feel like I'm not completely defenseless against it.

30! 30! 30! 30! 30! 30!

I'm still here and still kickin'! I hit -30 lbs this last weekend and I'm absolutely ecstatic!! It took a LONG time to get this last 10 out of the way, mostly due to some medical issues and a lack of total committment on my part some of the time, but I'm still goin' strong. I'm just 2 pounds away from my first mini-goal which was to lose 10% of my start weight. I was planning on doing some clothes shopping at each milestone, but I'm not feeling like I want to buy new clothes when I'm not down much as far as clothes size goes. My clothes are still fitting, just getting loose on me, which I don't really mind. It's nice to be comfortable in my clothes instead of always tugging and pulling on them, and some of my stuff that I just didn't wear because it was too tight, is now fitting again. So, I've decided to buy me a nice basketball when I hit -32 as my reward. :~) I have been playing 1-2 times a week and have been using my sons ball, which isn't a very good one. I can't wait to hit my first mini-goal and get my new basketball!!!! :~)

Big thanks to all my wonderful peeps who are keeping me motivated. I will post some updated pics and do measurements when I hit -32.....Hopefully by this weekend! *fingers crossed*

Learned something new

I got my butt out of bed at 5:20 this morning and went to an early water aerobics class. Anyone who knows me, knows that me getting out of bed that early is nearly the equivelant of Moses parting the Red Sea. Special thanks to my workout buddy for getting me there with a little encouragement and extra accountability. I can't tell you how glad I am that I went, though. The instructor was great and she taught me something very interesting about breathing while exercising...

If you are taking shallow breaths while exercising, then your body will be burning glucose instead of fat. Huh?! That's right. If I exercise at a moderate intensity and pay attention to breathing deeply, then the fat will have the required oxygen for the body to burn it away. How great is that! That means that If I'm working out so intensely that my heart rate is super high and my breathing very fast and shallow I won't be burning the fat that I could be by slowing down a little. But by slowing down the intensity level to a range where I can talk, although uncomfortable to do so, and paying attention to breathing deeply, I will burn more fat than working out harder will. I love that! That IS why I'm working out in the first place, right?! What an epiphany!! I actually did some research about this just to verify what she said, and everywhere I looked I found more information that confirmed this. Water is an important factor in that equation, as well.

Here is an excerpt from one of the sites I used as reference in my research:

The bottom line is that, if you want to burn fat, you should stick to lighter, longer exercises. Walking, swimming, light aerobics and weight lifting, exercises that allow you to take your time, get your breath and burn at your leisure will help take off pounds of fat much more quickly than more demanding exercises like endurance sports and hard aerobics. Quick Tips • Breathe a little more deeply than usual to burn fat, but do not hold your breath. www.weightlossforall.com/burn%20fat.htm I actually learned two new things today, but the other I will share in my next post. :~)

200 Club

Sorry I've been so neglectful on my postings lately! I reached a milestone last Friday that I have been anticipating for a LONG time! I'm finally back in the 200 club!!! Phew! My weight loss has slowed WAY down lately, and I know why....I've been eating too much! Wow, what a shocker!! I am still losing though, so that's the main thing. I'm headed in the right direction, which is better than the wrong direction! See that turtle on my 'ticker'? That's me! But, as they say, slow and steady wins the race! Watch out you wathcally wabbit, I'm a comin'! :~)

Weigh-in day

Today was weigh-in day, and my weight stayed exactly the same as last week. I was definitely a bit discouraged by this, until I decided to measure myself. I was honestly scared that all my measurements would be the same and then I would be even more discouraged. I really can't see any difference yet, other than my clothes feeling a little looser. Yesterday I decided on a whim to pull on a pair of capri pants that I haven't been able to wear in a long, long time. I couldn't get them zipped up, before. Well.....THEY FIT ME!!!! I could zip them up, no problem! I was so excited that I was practically glowing. :~) So, because of this encouraging event, I decided to go ahead and take my measurements this morning. Well, I've lost -9.5 inches!!! I honestly couldn't believe it!!! I didn't take measurements when I started, so I"m not sure how many inches I've lost from the beginning, but as of 2/8/11 when I took my measurements I've lost a lot of inches! 1 inch from my neck. (what the heck?!) 1 inch from my waist and chest, 1/2 inch from my hips, each calf and each arm......and.....drumroll please.....2 INCHES OFF EACH THIGH! SKIPPITY-DOO-DA-DAY!!

Can you tell I'm just a little excited about my measuring results?! Take THAT evil scale!! ;~)

Oh, and happy St. Patty's Day to yee. :~)

Weigh-in

After a little lol, I am back in the game with a -1.6 loss as of today! YIPPEE!!!! Makes me very happy and I'm looking forward to reaching my first mini-goal of having lost 10% of my start body weight, which will be at -32 pounds. Another 11 to go. I was hoping to reach that goal by the end of March. Unless I have a very good month, I am thinking it will take me a little longer than that, but I'm still hoping I have a chance at reaching that goal in time. I'm not too concerned about losing the weight really fast. In fact, I want to lose it slowly to give my skin time to adjust and so that I know I am making long lasting changes that I can stick with for the rest of my life.

Very happy day! Thank you so much to those of you who have and continue to support me!! You mean the world to me!!!

Weigh-in delay

I have decided to delay my 'official' weigh-in a little bit due to my least favorite visitor, TOM. I will probably do it on Monday.

I found this blog today, and I can't wait to have more time to explore it. I really like what I've seen so far!

http://www.wordofwisdomliving.com/

Oh, and I wanted to add a little note regarding the mini-meatloafs. My kids absolutely LOVED them. I liked them, but thought they were a little on the sweet side. The next time I make them I think I'll try cutting the brown sugar by half and upping some of the other spices a little. Just an FYI.

Mini Meatloaf freezer recipe

I am beginning an adventure in freezer meal discovery. I am not one who loves to cook that much, and more than anything, I usually don't have the energy to cook a big meal every night. So, I am going to try to learn more about the art of freezer meals. Last night I cooked mini-meatloafs for the family and used a recipe that made 23 mini-meatloafs. 17 of them are now in the freezer ready for another night or to take to my Dad who's recovering from surgery. What a great feeling to have those all ready to go!!!


I just paired them with some instant mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli. It was really delish and the kids ate them up, which is a big deal in my house! I found this recipe here .

1 cup ketchup
4 tbsp brown sugar, packed
1 tsp mustard
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
3 cups Crispix cereal, crushed
3 tsp onion powder
1/2 tsp seasoning salt
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp fresh ground pepper
3 lbs lean ground beef

Combine ketchup, sugar and mustard in a large bowl. Set aside 1/2 cup of mixture for the glazed topping and set aside. Next, add eggs, Worcestshire sauce, crushed cereal and seasonings/spices to the large bowl. Allow to stand for five minutes to allow the cereal to absorb some moisture. Add ground beef and mix well.

Next, using muffin tins to create your mini meatloaves, press about 1/3 cup into 18 muffin tin cups. Bake in an oven preheated to 350F for 20 minutes. Remove and top each meatloaf with the glaze mixture and bake for ten minutes longer. Ensure ground beef is no longer pink and the internal temperature is at least 160F

Allow to cool and freeze on a cookie sheet. Once frozen, transfer them to a ziploc bag or freezer container.

Cooking day: Thaw in fridge (they don't take too long to thaw). Please on foil lined cookie sheet and bake for 30 mins at 350F, or until mini meatloaves are cooked through. You can also microwave on high until cooked through, 1-2 minutes.

Addition. :~) -.6

I was down another -.6 this morning, and so decided to go ahead and log it since I am so close to -20 pounds, and that extra puts me right on track for where I wanted to be this week.

Happy Camper! :~)

I am working on some healthy freezer meals. I will post as I try them out.

303.6 -1.6

Yay! Lost another -1.6 this week. I was hoping for a half pound more, but I'll definitely take it!! I'm down -19 pounds total and I'm feeling grrrrrrrrreat!!! I am actually starting to feel it in my clothes a little bit more. Not so much in my hips and thighs, where I really want to, but in my upper body definitely. To meet my 1st small goal of -10% of my start body weight by the end of March, I figure I need to be down about -21 lbs by the end of Feb. That would be a little more doable if it wasn't a short month, but by next week I'm hoping to meet that -21 pounds goal and be on my way to -32 by the end of March. If I can just cut down on the junk food and up my fruits and veggies, I'm sure that I can do it. Feeling really great!!! :~)

Nutella YUM!

I have found another recipe using Nutella that I really want to try! I will share once I have tried it out, but it is basically a Nutella/banana wonton that is baked. Everyone is raving about it on My Fitness Pal, so I'll try it out. Maybe even tonight if I have the calories to spare. :~)

You may be wondering why in the world I keep talking about Nutella on a weight loss blog? Well, my philosophy is that if we deny ourselves completely of the food we love, then it will only lead to bingeing on it later. I even went a whole year without any sugar and was convinced that I could not control myself when it came to sweets, so I should just cut it out completely. That worked for a while, but only temporarily. I am finally learning how to savor and enjoy a small amount of the things I love without overindulging on them, and it is so much better. I am still losing weight and haven't felt deprived at all. Yes, I have not eaten nearly as much of the sweet/salty snacks that I love, but I have learned to eat them slowly and really enjoy the taste rather than just wolfing tons down without even really tasting it. I am also learning to pick and choose what I really enjoy, instead of just shoving in whatever is on hand. I have been stopping to think, is that really worth the calorie content to me? Sometimes it is, but often times it isn't. That has been a big help. I've still got a long way to go, and I'm sure as I get closer to my goal weight I will have to be even more careful about what I eat, but for right now this is working out great for me. I am losing and feeling better every day. 100 calorie packs are my friend.

Plus, Nutella does have some good nutrition in it! It's not all just empty calories. :~)

The best breakfast EVER!

I just have to share this breakfast discovery I made, because I am in LOVE with it. I am a big fan of nutella and frozen waffles, and this was a combination I came up with yesterday that turned out so good......mmmmm....*drooling*

The best part? Not only was it delicious, it was FAST! About five minutes to throw together, which is definitely a requirement for me with five kids. By the time I actually get to eat, it's almost lunch time!!

Here it is. Drum roll please.....

Alright, wipe the drool off and I'll tell you how I made it. ;~)

So, this is what it is. I used Eggo Lowfat Nutri-grain waffles and spread 1 teaspoon of Nutella on each one. Top with 1/2 C cut up strawberries, and drizzle about a teaspoon of agave nectar over the top in place of syrup. That's it!

If you've never used agave nectar, it is fabulous. I have been using it to replace sugar in a lot of things. Agave nectar is a natural sweetener with a very low glycemic index. It is actually sweeter than sugar, so you can use much less, which lowers the calorie content. I buy mine at Costco. You can get two bottles for around $7 there, but you can buy it in pretty much any store. You can use it in place of sugar in any recipe, but you use 1/2 - 2/3 of what you would use in regular sugar.

I ate just the waffles for breakfast yesterday, but decided I should probably try to add some extra protein with it today, so I included 3 turkey sausages. A glass of milk or veggie sausage would also add a good amount of protein if you wanted to do that instead.

Nutrition info before the sausage, so just the waffles, strawberries, Nutella and Agave is as follows: Cal-263, protein-7, fiber-5, carbs-47, fat-7, sodium-396

With the turkey sausage it comes out as:

Cal-383, protein-20, fiber-5, fat-14, carbs-48, sodium-886

The sausage really pumped up the protein, but also added a lot of sodium and fat, so you can modify based on what is most important for you.

383 calories is a pretty good amount for me. I usually average between 300-400 cals per meal, but if it's high for you, you could just do one waffle or omit the sausages.

Use one waffle, Nutella and strawberries with a little light whipped cream on top, and you have a fabulous dessert! Gotta love it!!

My tummy is VERY happy right now. :~) Which means I am very happy right now! :~)

Happy healthy eating everyone!!!

~Susan

Heart rate monitor

Ok, people! I had to make a quick entry to let you know about an amazing deal I found today on a Heart Rate Monitor. I ordered it, and can't wait to get it. If you don't know what a heart rate monitor is, it's a watch that monitors your heart rate and tells you how many calories you have burned during a workout. I've been wanting one for a while, but haven't been able to justify the $50 - $100 or more it would cost. Well, I found one today on Tanga.com for $14 shipped!!!! This one does not require a chest strap like some do, and for $14 I am willing to take a chance and see how it works. :~) Here's the link

I also just had one of the most delicious breakfasts EEEVVVVEEERRRR!! I am kicking myself for not taking a pic before I gobbled it down. Grrrrrrr... It was even beautiful!! I am going to make it again tomorrow and I'll give you the details then. I know the suspense is killing you, but you'll have to practice patience. (I know, I'm mean) ;~)

305.2 -17 and counting!!!! YAYAYAYAYAY

I am VERY happy with my weigh-in today!!! I was hoping for at least 305.something, but couldn't have hoped for nearly 305 even! I am really hoping to have lost 20 pounds by the end of Feb. I think it's doable. A week and a half to lose about 3 pounds? Yeah. I can totally do it!

I am completely and totally exhausted, and just want to go collapse on my bed right now. It's been a busy day. My workout today consisted of wii fit yoga and strength training, and I received Just Dance 2 today, so I got some cardio "dancing my pants off"! :~) It was fun. I also ordered Just Dance Kids, and my kids are in love with it!! They must have played it for over 2 hours today, and my 4yos beat my 8yos quite a few times, much to the chagrin of my 8yos.

I also wanted to share a couple links that a friend of mine on My Fitness Pal shared with me. I thought they had some great recipes, although not all completely low cal and such. Here they are:

http://www.400caloriesorless.com

http://www.crockpot365.blogspot.com

http://www.5dollardinners.com

Pics posted

I posted two pics, one "before" pic and one that was taken on 2/12/11, about one month in and -14 pounds. I am trying to figure out how to get them permanently on the sidebar, but right now they are listed under "pages" on the sidebar. You can click there and see the pics. I'll have to spend some more time trying to figure out how to get them to show up on the main page.

I won a small battle today! We went out for dinner to IHOP, and I had the fit fair 2x2x2. It was 2 scrambled egg whites, 2 buttermilk pancakes, and 2 slices of turkey bacon. All that for 400 cals!! I was really happy that I made a good choice, since I could have done A LOT worse. I also chose to use sugar-free pancake syrup, which was a ton less cals than regular. I am trying to avoid artificial sweetener whenever possible, but I didn't have the cals to use on syrup, so there ya go. :~)

308.4 Down a little!

I'll take it! I am hoping for an average of about 2 pounds a week, so hopefully I can keep things in check better this week and lose 3 next week. I'm not complaining. I'll definitely take it!

I took my measurements the other day, so I'll keep you updated on inches lost from now on, as well. I'm going to measure once a month, around the 5th of the month.

I still need to take this month's progress picture. My Dad's been in the hospital and was transferred to ICU yesterday morning, so it's been ponytail and no makeup every day to try and keep up. I'm going to a Valentine's dance with my handsome hubby on Saturday night. Maybe I'll get a picture in my duds on Sat.

I've really had to make some conscious choices about not eating when I get stressed out. It's my biggest weakness. It's how I've always dealt with stress. The first time I really remember using food to deal with stress is when I was 14 years old. My Mom was diagnosed with cancer, and before long we realized that it was terminal. It was the hardest time of my life. I used to babysit two boys in my neighborhood all day during the summer. One day their mom had a loaf of homemade lemon poppyseed bread in the fridge that a friend had given her. She told me to please have some, and I did. Oh, I did. A little piece here and a little piece there. When she came home and there was only a small piece left, she got upset at her oldest boy for eating so much of it, and I had to admit that I had eaten it. It was mortifying. But somehow, that didn't stop me.

It's like I try to fill the emptyness inside by filling my stomach to overflowing. Somehow, it seems to numb the pain a little. It's very temporary, and brings more emptyness and pain right with it, so I know it's not the solution. It happens so subconsciously now, that I really have to STOP and think about why I am eating sometimes. I'm getting better. The other day, after being very stressed about things, I felt like eating and did Wii Fit boxing instead. Yesterday, I went and played basketball rather than sit at home and eat and worry about my dad. This week has been stressful, and I haven't done as well as I would have liked, but I won a lot more of the battles than I lost, and that's a huge victory in itself.

309.6 Still here!

Sorry about the little absence. I am still here and still kicking!!!

I've decided that I will only record my weight on Thursdays. I'll probably still weigh every day, but posting all the normal little fluctuations was getting a little annoying to me.

I have also decided that I am going to take measurements and a pic every month. It's been about a month now since I started, so pic to come tomorrow. I can't really tell much of a difference yet, but maybe I'll be able to tell in a pic? My husband and I have a little joke. It goes like this.... "I can really tell you've lost weight right through here" Stroking chin and neck. DANG Why can't it ever be my hips and buttocks!!!! LOL

I wanted to share this link which I find very inspiring.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6hz_s2XIAU

Love you my peeps!

312.8 Throwing in the towel

That's what I almost did yesterday. I felt like a hopeless case. I was just so exhausted, mentally exhausted, after over three weeks of trying with all my might to lose weight. I did lose weight, but yesterday it didn't matter. 11 pounds is a lot, right? Not to me. It's not even enough for me to tell, except for maybe a little bit in my clothes and my fingers weren't as bloated. 11 pounds is just a drop in the bucket when it comes to losing 180. After spending every day taking meticulous care in what I ate and letting other things slide so that I could get some exercie, I was just so tired. Tired of worrying about what I was going to eat at the next meal or how to burn some calories that day. So many other things pulling at me, that I just didn't have the mental energy to deal with it, and that made me feel like a hopeless case.

I guess I was feeling like it didn't matter how much I tried, how much I did, how careful I was, I would never truly be slim. It's kind of like this thing that sits out of my reach, but I can never quite touch. It teases me and taunts me, and it's too easy to feel like it can never really be mine. Like I'll never be able to actually wrap my arms around it and embrace it. Like my mind can't wrap itself around the reality that could be mine.

I know, logically, that that is not true. I know, logically, that perserverence will see me through, and that this is a long journey I have set out on. But emotionally, I felt like someone lost in the middle of a desert, searching for water that just wasn't there. (With a big cake helicopter hovering over promising instantanious rest and relief, if I would just go to it! LOL) I can laugh about this a little more today. Yesterday I couldn't. I didn't want to. I was too exhausted to laugh. I was too overwhelmed to smile. I was too despondent to care.

I woke up yesterday and stepped on the scale, like I have every day. I ate too much, but I logged everything like I have every day, which means I ate less than I would have if I hadn't been logging. I even mustered the courage to step on my Wii Fit last night. The kids had been begging to watch me do my 'thang' all day (they love to watch me do Wii Fit) and so I stepped on and started, feeling mostly like I was wasting my time. Then those endorphins kicked in, and with my kids cheering me on, I burned over 400 calories! I don't know exactly why, but I got off and put the kids to bed and for the first time in quite a few days was actually feeling happy and even a little bit hopeful again.

I went to bed and got a good nights sleep, and am feeling re-energized this morning. I got up and drank four cups of water and then ate a good breakfast. It's amazing the difference a day can make. I didn't eat great yesterday, but I didn't throw in the towel, either, and I'm SO GLAD I didn't, because I wouldn't have been feeling happy last night if I had binged. I wouldn't be feeling re-energized this morning if I had gone out of control. I would be feeling even more depressed than ever. I would be sinking back into the cycle of despondency that got me here in the first place. My supportive friends were that thread of a lifeline that kept me from sinking under, and I so appreciate it.

This was a great learning experience for me, and I know that this will get easier as I go. In a month from now, I might even be able to notice the weight loss. In a month from now, it will have become more of a habit to eat the good foods instead of the bad, and get that exercise every day. In a month from now it won't be such a struggle just to get through the day. In a month from now I will begin to be able to see the new me shining through a little more and maybe be able to visualize what I might look like at a healthy weight. In two months from now maybe I will be shopping for new clothes in a new, lower size for the first time in years. That will be a great day. A wonderful happy day. I can't really visualize myself a year from now, it's too far off and too untouchable to me, but one size smaller pants is something I can hold on to right now, so that's what I'll focus on. To not have to instantly look for the biggest size in the big girls section and hope it fits will be a happy day for me, and today I am happy that I am still on the way to seeing that day.

Ok, regarding my weight, I would have had to eat 3500 EXTRA calories yesterday to gain a pound of fat in one day. I did not, so I know that the pounds that have come back these last few days are excess water and whatever else. I'm sure those pounds will come back off in about five days from now. ;~)

311.6 #*!*%&*@#&*@&!!!!!!!

Yeah, I don't want to talk about it.

I will say this, I wanted, more than anything, to NOT get on that scale this morning. That kind of denial is what got me where I am, so I did it anyway.

309.8 Lovely

Ok, I'd really like to stay below the 310s, please. Yesterday was a hard day, but I actually still stayed within my calorie goal. I didn't drink NEARLY enough water, though. That is probably the main reason for the huge gain. I'm retaining water like crazy. At least I know this is temporary, and in a week from now I should be a whole lot closer to leaving the 300s behind forever. 3 is DEFINTELY my least favorite number! Unless, of course, 3 were to happen to show up as my amount of weight lost......say tomorrow.....hint hint.

I've got lots of cleaning to do today and tomorrow to get ready for my son's birthday party on Sunday. Hopefully all that cleaning will burn some serious calories!!!

Good luck everyone, and happy healthy eating!

308.6 :~p

I've been expecting this jump, not because I haven't been being good, just because of the TOM around the corner.

I'm having a really hard day today. Didn't get to bed until WAY too late last night, and then my 8 yo was not feeling well and woke me up after just getting to sleep. Had a doctors appt this morning, and didn't get any breakfast before hand, so by the time I got home, I was famished. Big mistake. The convenience store got me! Had a donut, a big diet soda (haven't had any soda for over a week), and some cheetos. :~( I'm not throwing in the towel for today, though. I'm using this as a good example why I have to make eating a priority, because if I get too hungry, emotions take over and I fall into my old bad habits. I'm going to take a nap soon. Just got to get the kids to bed, and then it's crash time for me.

I'm going to start posting pictures soon. I know it will be a much more interesting blog with some pics to look at.

307.8 Refried beans

Down another .4 .....I could get used to this! I'm bracing myself for troubled water ahead, though.

I wanted to share this recipe I found for homemade refried beans. I love refried beans, but with the lard and the sodium, it's not the best choice for weight loss. This one is, though! I tried it on Sat. and have been eating it all week. It's delicious and totally good for you!

1 pkg dry pinto beans
salt, pepper, cumin and a dash of cayenne.

I started mine in the crock pot the night before on low and they were ready that afternoon. You could also start them on the stove at lunch and they'll be ready for dinner, or the crock pot in the morning for dinner. I added the salt to the water, so they kind of flavored the beans as they cooked. I also did not use the cayenne, just because we didn't have any. Once they were soft, I added the spices and used the new immersion blender I got for Christmas to mush them all up.

Big thanks to the 'Yummy and delicious recipe exchange' on facebook for introducing the recipe to me. :~)

308.2 Aspartame sensitivity

I'm not doing anything differently, and I'm dropping pounds like crazy! It just goes to show how important it is not to get discouraged and stick to your guns when the going gets rough.

I wanted to post a little bit about artificial sweeteners and get some feedback, if you don't mind. I have noticed, for a while, that when I eat/drink anything with Aspartame/nutra sweet in it, I feel really awful afterwards. It causes me to have kind of a brain fog and even a little blurry vision. It also makes me want to eat and eat, plus I get very low energy. It's kind of weird, because even though my stomach may be full (I don't have the normal sensations of hunger), I still have the need to eat. It's the strangest thing. I am thinking of calling it a Aspartame sensitivity or allergy. Have any of you experienced these type of symptoms? I did some googling and there is a lot of crazy claims about it causing brain tumors and lupus and multiple sclerosis. I'm not sure I believe that, but I do know that I feel awful when I eat it. Even just yesterday, I ate a yoplait light yogurt, and I started having those reactions within 10 minutes. I guess I am just going to have to find alternatives that don't include the aspartame. I would love to hear your stories and insights as well as better alternatives.

Thank you in advance!

309.6 Holy crapola, Batman!

WHOA!!! What happened here?!?! 2 more pounds, overnight!!!! YEEHAW!!! My body has finally decided to give up some weight. I didn't even have time to work out yesterday, between running to basketball games for my son, cleaning the house, and babysitting 5 extra kids last night.....ok, I guess maybe that was workout enough, in itself.

Let's just say, I'm flying high today!

Now, I'm starving! Time to get me some viddles. :~)

Happy healthy eating!!!

311.6 Yippee!!

I broke through my plateau and am officially 11 pounds closer to my goal! YAYAYAYAYAYA!!! I didn't realize how much I was really needing to see another loss! It felt so good!! Having that first 10 pounds behind me is such a good feeling. :~) It's gonna be a GREAT day!!!

312.4 Weight loss funny

My body's still not budging. My body is almost as stubborn as my spirit! Almost.....

I had to share this, because it just made me laugh! My kids have been obsessed with watching movies off Netflix instant play. Tonight, while we ate our dinner, they had on an episode of "Garfield". In this episode, John takes Garfield to the vet, the vet puts Garfield (with much effort) on the scale and tells John that the cat needs to lose some weight. John proceeds to take Garfield home and give him a big piece of lettuce for dinner. After John leaves the room, Garfield stares at the lettuce, heads for the fridge, and then slathers his lettuce with whipped cream and chocolate syrup! LMBO!!! I could totally do that!!! :~) Then, Garfield gets on the scale and it proceeds to call him names. My scale does that!!! Then, Garfield has nightmares about a monster scale trying to 'get' him!!! I'm afraid to go to sleep now....

I can totally relate to Garfield. Maybe someday I'll be able to relate more to 'Sporticus' from Lazy Town, but for now it's my old pal Garfield all the way. To say the least, I was in no mood for salad with my pizza tonight, at least not without a nice Garfield style dressing. LOL!

Happy healthy eating!

312.4 Hitting a wall

I can't seem to get below this number on my new scale. I am happy that I was down from yesterday, though.

I did a test this morning with my old scale, and it consistently weighed me 4-5 pounds lower than my new scale, so I've decided to adjust my start weight. I need to see a true number that I have lost, because seeing that 5-7 pounds over and over has been a little discouraging.

I played basketball last night! It was great fun!! My knee gave out once, but other than that, it held up pretty well. It's a little sore today, but it was worth it. I enjoy doing sports for exercise much more than walking on the treadmill, I must say!!!

313.2 A sneaky weight loss nemesis

My initial reaction when seeing today's number on the scale, was complete and total anger.

Then I took a few deep breaths, counted to ten, and started to think about it rationally. I knew that I was retaining water when I first woke up and noticed my fingers were bloated. I should have expected a bad day on the scale at that moment, but I am a naturally optimisic person, and couldn't help but still hope for that lower number. After my hopes were dashed to the ground, I decided to try and figure out WHY I was retaining so much water. My first thought, which is probably most women's thought, is it my TOM? No. Not even close. So my next thought brought me to the computer to examine what I have been eating the last few days that would cause this. I am very grateful for the fact that I have been logging all my food into a website called My Fitness Pal. One of the features on this sight, is that it gives not only caloric information for the food, but complete nutritional info. I can see, at a glance, how much protein, fat, sugar, vitamins and SODIUM I have had each day. Well, you can imagine my surprise when I saw that I had gone SIGNIFICANTLY over my sodium intake EVERY DAY for the last THREE days. Mystery solved. I have been very low energy this week for some reason, and as a result have ended up eating out every night. I stayed in (or pretty close to) my calorie range, but hadn't even thought about the sodium. I even checked calorie counts BEFORE we left to go to Del Taco last night, and knew I could have a bean burrito and a chicken soft taco for dinner. Low and behold, the darn bean burrito had 1650 mg of sodium and the soft taco, over 400. The recommended sodium intake for me, for the entire day, is 2500mg. I ate almost that much in one meal! Lovely. So, to say the least, I will be watching my sodium intake much more closely from here on out.

Today marked two full weeks since my start weight was taken. This last week has definitely been a roller coaster and I'm ready to GET OFF and start losing some real weight. I have never had such a hard time losing weight, especially the first week or two. I guess all the yo yo yo yo yo yo-ing has taken it's toll, and my body is a little less willing to give up its precious "food storage". But it will. Oh, it will.

Here's an article a friend on My Fitness Pal posted about how to know if you are losing water weight or fat. I thought it was an informative article. Click HERE to access the link.

I am planning to have a lower number to post tomorrow. Do you hear me body?! LOWER TOMORROW! Okey dokey. Thanks. :~)

312.6 Morbidly obese weight loss expert?

Ok, maybe this weighing every day thing was a bad idea.....

The ultimate oxymoron- a morbidly obese weight loss expert!

I was just thinking about how I am such a weight loss expert! WHAT?! A fat, weight loss expert? That's right, folks! I have tried almost every diet that has ever been out there, from Atkins to Weight Watchers and everything in between. I've read countless books on weight loss and numerous articles in magazines about weight loss. I've watched many a season of biggest loser (isn't that qualifier?!). I've even lost weight, including my biggest success of a 75lb weight loss. I would dare any professional nutritionist or personal trainer to come up with information that I don't already know.....so then, why am I still overweight?!?! Good question. The answer is simple. Although I know what I SHOULD be doing, I don't actually DO IT!!!

I have the perfect example for you right here on this blog. I know very well that it is not a good idea to weigh every day, and yet, I am doing it! Why do I do this?!?! Am I so arrogant as to think that I am the exception to every rule? I surely hope not. Is it just my personality to have to learn everything the hard way? Possibly. Am I just such an impatient person, that it's excruciatingly hard for me to wait an entire week to get on the scale to see if my efforts are paying off. Definitely! LOL! At least I can laugh at myself today, right. :~) Some day, maybe I can be a slim weight loss expert, but for now, I've just got to remind myself to take my own darn advice for a change!!! Wait a minute....I think I just made a psychological break through! Impatience is the reason I am weighing every day, even though I know I shouldn't. Impatience is the reason I always used to put off my weight loss plan until 'tomorrow' or 'Monday'. (I want the unhealthy foods right NOW!) Impatience is the reason I yell at my kids way too much. THE SOLUTION TO ALL MY PROBLEMS MUST BE PATIENCE!!!! Woo hoo! Thank you blog for helping me with my completely free therapy session.

Ok, I'm getting a little impatient with this long blog post, so I better wrap it up. ;~)

Happy healthy eating everyone!

311.6 Detox?

Down a little bit more today. I'm happy with that!

I have been feeling so exhausted this last week, and I am wondering if it could be detox? Either that or I'm fighting some sort of infection. I have just had no energy at all to do anything other than the necessary. My hubby was gone a lot for most of last week, and that didn't help at all! He's been a huge help when he is home, though, so I am very grateful for that......but my house, is well, a disaster! No visitors until I can recover from this malaise and kick it back into gear.

oh, and btw, I think I may be almost ready to start posting some before pictures. Soon. Very soon. I just have to get up the courage.

312 Now we're talkin'

Finally! I'm headed back in the right direction!!! I didn't eat enough fruits and veggies yesterday, but stayed in my calorie limit. Now, I just need to KEEP it moving in the right direction!!!

I haven't had any pain relievers in a couple days. :~)

It's amazing how much motivation a little weight loss can give! Feeling tons better!!

I didn't get to try out my Wii fit yesterday. I'm definitely doing it today. I gotta build some muscle and lose some fat!!

Go get 'em all you wonderful, fabulous people out there!

314.4 New scale

Question: What is harder and more humiliating that posting your enormous weight on the internet for all to see?

Answer: Posting a 4lb weight gain on the internet for all to see.

Even though I know this is just because I got a new scale and my old one was messed up, seeing that number go up, when I have been trying so hard to eat right and exercise is really bringing me down. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle right now.

Question: What makes you feel worse than seeing a 4lb weight gain on your new scale?

Answer: When the new scale tries to calculate your Body fat % and gives an error. Error being, after some looking in the manual, that my body fat% is too high for it to calculate. *tears* How in the heck did this get so bad, and how have I been so oblivious to it. This means, since I have a full disclosure policy now, that my body fat% is higher than 60%. It definitely makes me face reality when I have to type these numbers. I don't like it and feel so super overwhelmed right now I can hardly see straight.

Oh, and I ate a donut yesterday.

I did stay pretty close to my daily calorie goal, though, so I know that the weight gain is due to the new scale.

At least I know that I've got an accurate and reliable weight now. I stepped on the scale 4 times and it gave me the same weight every time. Yippee. *sarcasm oozing from my pores*

I promise to be more upbeat and postitive tomorrow. I finally got my Wii fit I've been wanting. I think I'll try it out tonight after the kids are in bed.

btw-the scale I got is great and I found it at Sam's Club for $27. It will calulate body fat %, body water % and some other stuff (for most anyone except for me, apparantly)

310.4 I think.

I need a new scale. The one I have is so incredibly unreliable, it's ridiculous. Sometimes it does great, and other times, like today, it's impossible to get an accurate weight. I always step on twice and make sure I get the same number twice. This morning, I must have stepped on the scale 30 times and I don't think I got the same number twice. I even put new batteries in it, and it made no difference at all. What a pain. The weight ranged anywhere from 298.6 up to 312 and almost everything in between. It seemed that the average was around the same as yesterday, so I'm just saying it stayed the same.

I was frustrated before, now I'm down right discouraged. I'm not giving up, so don't give up on me. My body just seems to be fighting me right now. I felt like I ate really well again. Came under my calorie limit again, but still nothing.

I did do some research on the Ibuprofen thing, and it does seem that it may cause water retention. I also discovered that it can increase your chances dramatically of congestive heart failure. WHAT?! I thought the only really serious side effects were related to stomach and intestinal damage, and since I've never had any problems with my stomach, I take it all the time! To say the least, I will not be taking it with such reckless abandon anymore. My knee will be getting a whole lot more ice and brace than medication from now on.

Here's where I got my info about Ibuprofen and other NSAIDs if you're interested. Scroll down to 'RENAL' for info on fluid retention specifically.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-steroidal_anti-inflammatory_drug

310.4 FRUSTRATED!

I was really, really good yesterday! What's up with this?! I logged all my calories yesterday and was more than 100 calories under my recommended. It must be water retention. That's the only thing I can think. I did have to take a lot of Ibuprofen yesterday for my knee. I wonder if that can cause fluid retention? I'm going to do some research on that. I went to Quiznos for dinner last night and had a flatbread sammie and chicken noodle soup. Normally, I would have eaten french fries, burger and soda from a fast food restaurant, but the no fake food thing helped me make a much better choice. I'm trying REALLY hard not to be discouraged. :~(

309.8 Reality check

Well, although I did do a lot of things right yesterday, it's obvious that I did some things wrong. The biggest of those mistakes being a very delicious, although not very healthy, lunch of nacho pie. :~\ I only ate one slice with a salad for lunch, which probably wouldn't have been so bad, but then the afternoon hunger set in and I had another piece. Big mistake. The second mistake was putting off my exercise until too late, and then didn't get it in because I was too tired, my knee was hurting and the baby was asleep in my room where the treadmill is. As long as I don't make these bad days a regular occurance, I should be ok. It's when every day turns into a bad day that I will get into trouble. I just can't get discouraged and head back into a downward spiral.

So, this morning, I got straight up and got on the treadmill and did my stretching. DONE! It's a good feeling to have it out of the way. My knee is hurting pretty bad, but a little TLC today and hopefully it will be better by tomorrow. I got this article in my e-mail and thought I'd share it. The most helpful info for me was that, while vigorous exercise suppresses the appetite, moderate exercise stimulates it! I always wondered why I was more hungry on the days I exercised. That explains it! I kicked up the speed on my treadmill a bit this morning as a result. Here is the link~ http://www.oprah.com/health/Weight-Loss-Help-from-Bob-Greene

309.2 Ready for a great week!

Ok, I did like it better when I was seeing a new, lower number every day, (besides just behind the decimal) but I knew this would happen. I couldn't sleep last night and ended up getting up and eating. And a chunk of the caramel I have for making caramel apples and a handful of pretzels was definitely not the best choice. Today's a new day, though, and a new start and I am excited to 'get this party started'!

I am going to start journaling everything I eat on my ipod. I have an app for that specifically, and it seems to make a big difference when I log what I eat. It makes me more aware and accountable to myself. It's tedious getting it done, but I've got to get past that.

309.8 Fun evening

Last night my husband and I got a rare date night, and it was fabulous! We went to Zupas! for dinner and I had the nuts about berries half salad (I am not a fan of salad, but I LOVE this salad) and a bowl of cream of cauliflower soup. It was SOOOOO delicious. I am an official addict. I probably would have been better off with a soup that wasn't 'cream', but I love the cauliflower soup and decided to let myself have it. It DOES have vegetables in it, after all!! Big thanks to my good friend, Tamara, who introduced me to my new favorite restaurant. btw-for some reason most of the day yesterday I seemed to have an insatiable appetite. It didn't matter what I ate, within 20-30 min I was hungry again. I just kept trying to make good choices when I was hungry and drink some water and wait it out. By the time we were done at Zupas I was stuffed, and remained so for the rest of the evening. Thank heavens.

These are the masks I made for the masquerade ball.

After dinner we attended a masquerade ball! Some friends of ours put on an annual 'mock'tail party and we were able to go this year for the first time. We had a blast dancing the night away and I got my exercise in while we were at it. :~) Much better than the treadmill, I must say. My sweet hubby wasn't feeling the greatest, but he knew how much I had been looking forward to it, and so he indulged me. We didn't dance as much as we might have if he had been feeling better, but we still got quite a lot of dancing in. I probably would have lost more weight if it weren't for the three 'mock'tails I indulged in (although one was made with diet Sprite). They were delicious, though, and worth every bit of calories. (It's not like I drink mocktails all the time, right!) I was so full from dinner that I didn't even touch the mini chocolate cupcakes and other hors d'oeuvres except for one cracker with spinach dip on it. Delicious, btw. All in all it was a fabulous night, and I was a little worried I wouldn't lose anything or possibly gain because of my indulgence, but it turned out alright after all. I still lost some weight, and what more can a girl ask for but a night out on the town followed by a little weight loss. :~)

310.4 WHAT?!

I had a great day yesterday! Got a little exercise in, actually ate carrot sticks with lunch, and had a big salad before the pizza got home, so only ate 2 pieces instead of 4. I must have had a lot of water retention going on, though! I'm sure that this will probably be the last day of multiple pound losses in one day. Goodbye water weight. I won't miss you a bit!!!

315.0 Pluggin' along

Ok, so how in the world I lost 2.6 pounds yesterday is a mystery. Although, I do have a theory. 1-that just proves how bad I was eating before, if I can eat oreos and still lose weight. 2-I am just coming off my 'time of the month', and so may have had some extra water weight that is releasing. Who knows, but I don't care! Just as long as I'm still goin' down!!

317.6 better than nothing

I did fairly well in my eating yesterday, until my husband came home and announced that he wanted to go out for dinner to IHOP. I have a severe weakness for breakfast food and the pancakes were probably not the best choice, but at least I am down a little from yesterday. The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, right?! My journey of -180 pounds begins with -1 pound.

318.6 depressed

I weighed myself this morning and about fell on the floor in shame. 318.6 I can't believe it. Then I think about all the junk I've been eating the last few months and I can believe it. I knew deep down it was going to be bad, because my clothes were fitting tighter than ever. I am determined to make a change. I can't keep living my life this way. My church has a women's basketball team starting up, and oh, how I would love to be able to play, but all I can picture is the other women snickering at me as I lumber up and down the court. My new goals are simple. I need to lose weight and I need to do it NOW!